A New Way to Read the Story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus
“At least it’s not as bad as it could be.”
“It’s a good thing that happened because it led you to this moment.”
“The joy that’s before you is much better than the pain that you’re going through.”
As Christians, we are terrible at suffering. Not that we have never suffered, but we never allow ourselves to feel the suffering. Even worse, we don’t allow others to suffer.
We are constantly offering silver linings, telling them it’s just a season, telling them everything’s going to be okay. Rushed silver linings look pretty on paper but are destructive in practice. In reality, they’re not for the suffering person. It’s for us. As humans, it’s a natural instinct to push away things that hurt. You see, we don’t want to step into other people’s pain because we are uncomfortable with our own pain.
“Rushed silver linings look pretty on paper but are destructive in practice.”
Jesus did not deflect or reject our pain. He did not say, “I know you’re lost in sin, but it’s just a season.” He took it all upon Himself. He experienced our pain. He let Himself bear the weight of our brokenness on His shoulders. In order to give our friends, family, and Christian community space to suffer in a healing way we must be willing to step into that suffering with them. We must acknowledge their pain. No matter how big or small.
“In order to give our friends, family, and Christian community space to suffer in a healing way we must be willing to step into that suffering with them.”
It’s okay to be silent as your friend sobs. It’s okay to say, “That’s terrible,” when a person is experiencing loss. It’s okay to not know how to have a positive outlook on a difficult situation. Stop trying to fix everyone’s issues. Stop being uncomfortable with your loved one’s pain. Stop being uncomfortable with yours. Many stories in Scripture, both the Old Testament and the New Testament, help us understand the importance of pain, but it does not explain it away. I want to focus on one for this post. It is a pretty familiar story within the Christian community, but I hope to offer a new way to read it today.
Jesus lived His life here on earth around two thousand years ago. He walked among us healing, teaching, restoring, forgiving, and making friends. A few friends He made were some siblings named Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Jesus heard that his friend Lazarus was sick. The passage in John 11 says, “This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved these two sisters and brother. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed two more days in the place where he was. Then after that, he said to the disciples, “Let’s go to Judea again.”" So here in this story we see that Jesus is notified that his good friend Lazarus is gravely ill. Jesus says the “sickness will not end in death,” seemingly carries a blazé outlook on the situation, and concludes that they will finish their business where they are first and then head that way. Then, something interesting happens.
As we continue on in the story, Jesus makes his way to Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. As he arrives, the author notes for us readers that Martha went out to greet Jesus, but “Mary remained seated in the house.” Jesus is told by Martha that Lazarus had passed away. Martha actually approaches Jesus with an accusation. Martha says, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died.” Jesus meets Martha where she is and deals with this loss with her how she needs it. They have a very intellectual and logical conversation about Lazarus’s death and about Jesus’ plans for this occurrence. Then, Martha calls Mary over.
John explains that Mary was in the house being consoled. Before she even approaches Jesus she is already crying. Just like Martha, this sister accuses Jesus, but it’s with a very different tone. Where Martha accuses Jesus out of fact, Mary accuses Jesus out of desperation. She falls at his feet weeping and cries out, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died!” And Jesus doesn’t respond like He did with Martha. He does not engage in dialog with her about the functionalities of resurrection. He does not tell her of his plans for this predicament. This passage actually says, “When Jesus saw her crying, and the Jews who had come with her crying, he was deeply moved in his spirit and troubled.” He asks to see the body of his dearly beloved friend. Then, John 11:35 gives a simple, yet vivid description of what happens next.
“Jesus wept.”
He did not just shed a small tear. He did not tell Mary, “I know this is hard now, but I’m going to make it better.” That wasn’t what Mary needed. Mary needed someone to share in her suffering. She needed someone she loved and respected to cry with her. Mary needed her sadness to be seen, heard, and understood. Mary needed to process her emotions. Jesus did not rush to resurrection, a silver lining, a positive outlook, or a solution. He wept. And He did what he needed to get to a place of deep, sincere empathy by asking to see Lazarus’s body.
“Jesus did not rush to resurrection, a silver lining, a positive outlook, or a solution. He wept.”
Suffering with others is a spiritual discipline. Casting your agenda and comfort aside is not easy. Stepping into someone’s suffering and pain can feel unnatural, especially for those of us who tend to stuff our emotions down. Romans 5:8 says, “affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Affliction produces endurance. But how can affliction produce endurance if we are not allowing ourselves to feel afflicted? We cannot experience the joy of hope without first sitting in the pain of affliction. Even further, others will not fully grasp the joyful and hopeful message of our positive outlook if we do not first allow ourselves to feel sorrow and sadness for our brother or sister’s affliction.
In many of the letters found in the Bible, the apostles write to churches that are experiencing persecution and remind them of Jesus’ second coming. While it is meant to be an encouragement, what we don’t see is that these authors suffered with their audiences first. Each one of those apostles endured persecution, beatings, and intense poverty. They hurt alongside those churches as the people of God hurt. Even Jesus’ second coming teaches us that God is okay with letting us suffer. He is not expediting the return of Jesus so that we can avoid experiencing the pain that is here on this earth. The song “Blessings” by Laura Story tells us, “Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.” There is beauty, meaning, and healing that comes from being comfortable with letting ourselves and others feel sad.
“Abby, are you saying you never want me to be positive?”
Absolutely not. Be positive. Be encouraging. Help yourself and your loved ones to remember who God is. But feel their pain first. Step into their suffering. Meet them where they are. Genuinely desire to understand what sadness, anxiety, anger, and frustration mean to them. If someone is experiencing an emotion you are uncomfortable with, ask them questions. Empathy is curiosity at its finest. Let those who talk to you experience the therapeutic healing of being listened to. You see, the discipline that comes with suffering is not going out of your way to put yourself into suffering. It’s allowing yourself and your loved ones to suffer for a little while. So when the good times, the resurrection, or the healing comes, they are that much greater.
“Empathy is curiosity at its finest.”
This story of Martha, Mary, and Lazarus teaches us that there is no right way to respond to difficult circumstances, but there is a right way to respond to the people that are hurting in those circumstances. It is not simply a story that foreshadows the resurrection of Jesus but one that highlights a fundamental facet of human interaction. I want to leave you with a quote from a book called The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships. The author says, “When we’re with someone who doesn’t listen, we shut down. When we’re with someone who’s interested and responsive—a good listener—we perk up and come alive. Being listened to is as vital to our enthusiasm for life as love and work” (Nichols, 2021).
Be the one who helps people come alive, not shut down. No matter where they are.
Instances where “sitting with someone” is unhealthy could be in the event that someone is at risk of hurting themselves or someone else. If someone begins speaking this way call 911.
Question of the day:
Think of someone in your life who always helps you feel seen and understood. Who is that? What is it like for you when you talk with them? What would it look like to become that for others around you? Let me know in the comments!
