I’m Happy My Mom’s Alive
When Jennette McCurdy’s book came out, “I’m Happy My Mom’s Dead,” it made me feel so sad for Jennette and truly grateful for the situation I have found myself in. I have had the opportunity to reconcile with my mom. Sometimes, I take it for granted. Sometimes, I’m not the most patient person I could be. But Jennette McCurdy’s book convicted me. Where her mom never changed and her death was a relief, my mom has surrendered her life to the Lord and I now get to be in a relationship with her. How can it be? Check out this interview with my mom about her life and what led her to such an amazing life-change!
Tell me, what do you know about your birth and your earliest life stages?
“What I’ve been told by several different people ie: my sister, my bio dad, my cousins, probably others, and this was all at different stages and times of my life. I was born to Steve and Suzanne and she probably did drugs when she was pregnant with me. She probably suffered from postpartum depression. I guess they lived at my grandma and grandpa’s house and my grandpa would hear me crying but couldn’t do anything bc he was sick with emphysema. Suzanne left me in dirty diapers and clothes, one time my sister walked into the bathroom as Suzanne threw me into something. Suzanne ended up hitting me on the head with a bottle which was glass back then and I’ve still got a caved-in head. I’m not sure of the timeline but I was put in some foster homes and my sister would visit them and tell them that’s my baby or my baby sister. Eventually, I ended up being adopted by my aunt (paternal side) and uncle who are my older brother and sister’s mom and dad. When they got me they realized that my leg was limp or something like that. Anyway, I didn’t have a hip socket and I had to wear a brace to get it to form. Not sure how long I wore that but I was a pretty big toddler or so in the pictures that I used to have. At 6 months my grandpa died and even said that he was glad I was alright.”
Mom, I’m so sorry your mom treated you that way. You deserved better.
“It’s really unbelievable that someone could do that. And I had scars on my body that I asked my [adopted] mom what they were from and when I got older she told me they were from Suzanne’s fingernails.”
Oh my gosh, mom. That’s terrible! You know me and Ally were wild children when we were in junior high. What were you like in middle school?
“In middle school I was bad, I had a major identity problem. Living in Alaska I didn’t know if I should be white or Indian? Getting through the shock of finding out I was adopted at the same time that I was being bullied at school. I loved smoking cigarettes and pot, took speed, drank, and did coke. I fought and talked back to everyone, was always in the principal’s office, and wanted to be a cheerleader and model. My mom put me in modeling school where I was super intimidated and shy so I just played it off as a goof so nobody could tell. I’ve always been extremely shy and always felt like I’m not good enough. I used to sell pot out of Avon bags when I lived in Anchorage then we moved to a town called Kenai. We moved a lot back and forth from Kenai to Anchorage and it was hard to have the same friends or the same style or the same hobbies, etc.”
I still think it’s so cool you lived in Alaska! What was your favorite music to listen to in high school?
“I listened to all kinds of music, Van Halen, Metallica, Judas Priest, Motley Crue, Queen, Fastway, Poison, Def Leppard, Cinderella, and many, many more. Haha, brings back memories!”
What memories come to mind?
“Just parties and stuff. Spandex and bandanas! I always wore a leather jacket, I had a black one, a red one, blue one, and a white one. We were all in alternative school and the bad girls of the school.”
HA, spandex. What happened right after high school?
“I started getting arrested as an adult. I went to jail two nights in a row and my license was already suspended at that age. I jumped bail and went to California to pursue modeling and got married, and had a baby.”
That’s right, you had Bubba in your early twenties. When was the first time you realized you were an addict?
“Probably 6th grade.”
6th grade? I did not expect that! What was realizing you were an addict like at such a young age?
“I was already doing everything. I was the bad girl who was teaching my peers what to do. I really thought everyone did the stuff I was doing.”
Wow. How would you describe your 20’s?
“My 20’s were pure hell.”
Did that have something to do with when your dad died?
“When I was 21 and pregnant with Breana, Steve, my bio dad, called me and said someone was trying to kill him and I yelled at him to call me back when he was sober and 2 days later he was dead. I felt guilty that I couldn’t help him and also that I couldn’t take in my little brother who is 9 years younger. This was the main cause of my PTSD and rescuing people. When I was 28 I gave birth to you girls and you were 6 months old, my adopted dad passed. I didn’t call home for months and I didn’t get to go to his funeral.”
Gosh, so you were mourning the death of both of your dads in your 20’s. That’s terrible. What’s something you distinctly remember about giving birth to me and Ally?
“How much detail would you like? I knew that Ally was breach so I would be having you by C-section. Me and your dad went to the hospital that evening but we were home at midnight or so. My water broke when we were sleeping. We went to the hospital and got all prepped for the doctor to get there to deliver you. Me and your dad were super worried that something was going to happen like one of you could get switched etc. so our plan was that your dad was going to go with you and Ally as soon as they took you out while I was being put back together. They wheeled you guys into my room and that’s where you stayed until I left. I remember it was a Friday morning and I know he spent 1 night maybe both, not sure. The nurses all thought your dad looked like Lou Diamond Phillips. The guy who did the epidural is the guy who told us the joke about “womb service.”
Haha, my womb mate. Were Ally and I really different as toddlers?
“You two were best buds from the very, very beginning and you did everything at the same time. You ate, pooped, and spit up together. You rolled over the same day, you walked the same day. You followed me around with your beautiful brown eyes and whether this is a good thing, I’ll say it. You two reminded me of little puppy dogs when you’d crawl behind me. You always had each other’s backs at daycare, too. If a kid messed with one of you, the other wasn’t far behind.”
How did you keep things together for me and Ally when we were toddlers?
“It was really tough but I managed to keep a roof over our head with sometimes $20 to make it for a week. I was trying to hold it together while your dad kept breaking my heart and I chose him over my parents. My dad died when I hadn’t called home in months. I couldn’t get up to his funeral. You were in a wonderful daycare center, the owners’ name was Sheila. I just tried to keep doing my best by you. I thought my getting pregnant was a sign that me and your dad would be together forever but now I know you two were God’s plan.”
I’m gonna kind of skip past some stuff. I remember when Grandma died, it was so earth-shattering for you. I’ve always wondered, how did you cope with that?
“Me and my mom had a terrible relationship and I always felt like a bad daughter and I couldn’t please her. I’m not jealous but she and my sister were really close and I was my dad’s shadow. When my dad died, we started talking weekly, emailing jokes, etc. almost every day and all through the years she would help with Christmas and birthdays or if my car broke down but not only that, she was my mom and I loved her sooo much and I miss her still. I felt so alone and like an orphan. When we found out she had cancer, I really thought “Okay, they’ll take it out and she might have chemo and radiation and go on,” but that didn’t happen. After they removed the tumor she never left the hospital. She was in Arizona and I flew out there when she was bad and back when it seemed hopeful she would make it. Then she would take a turn for the worse and I’d go back out there. When she passed my brother and my mom’s husband were napping in their chairs, my sister was in the break room getting coffee and I was watching my mom. I saw her take her last breath. Guess I just thought she was gonna live forever. I still have the note she wrote to my sister when she couldn’t talk anymore.”
I’m so sorry, mom. It was not long after this that Ally and I would make plans to go meet our dad. What were your thoughts, feelings, and emotions when me and Ally were going to meet our dad for the first time?
“I thought he was still in prison and that it would be a controlled environment but when I got lost in Tulsa and he said he had a friend who was gonna come to us that we could follow. Well… he came up behind us and it wasn’t what I expected but I hung in there. He wanted me to bring your birth certificates [for me to prove you were his] but when he saw you he didn’t have to see them. Well you know what happened, the four of us tried to be a family for a short time.”
What was it like for you when me and Ally started getting into a lot of trouble?
“I felt terrible, I felt like I failed you, I was trying to go through a divorce and my mom dying and I didn’t know what to do. The harder I tried to round you up the farther you went. I tried to get into a treatment center where you could come with me but you were just over the cut off so that wasn’t an option.”
What do you remember about me coming home from church camp?
“I remember being happy for you and I remember you saying you led worship but I didn’t know what it was. I always wanted Ally to be involved. More than just needing to ride the van to get to that part of town, haha! I remember telling you how you thought you were better than the rest of us, most likely some other things that were hurtful to you.”
I’ve always wondered, did me giving my life to the Lord make you curious about God?
“I have a long history with God, I was curious from an early age and asked him into my heart and to please forgive me many times but mostly I would pray to find happiness. I’ve read parts of the Bible before and actually was given my mom and bio dad’s bibles. My grandma got them. I’ve said many many prayers through the years but mostly the foxhole ones to get me out of something. I just didn’t have a real relationship with Him or know about Jesus. We used to go to church when we lived in Purcell and you would go to church with your foster mom when you got taken away. I could go see you there.”
I kind of remember that. What was it like when you gave your life to God?
“I just broke down and sobbed like I hadn’t before, in a good way. I started reading the Bible, we started going to church and me and Ally got baptized. I was completely on fire for the Lord. I gave myself completely. I remember getting so excited about the things happening and I wanted to spread the Good News too.”
What is your favorite characteristic of God?
“His love.”
What is some advice you’d give to people who are Christ-followers and have mental health struggles?
“Lean into God, keep Him as your best friend, listen to Christian music, take medicine if you have to, read the Bible and pray. You can start a prayer journal or a God box. Be around other Christians and do your best to stay hopeful.”
What is something that you’re proud of right now?
“I’m proud of all my kids and am grateful to have a relationship with all of you and the grandkids. I’m grateful that you all are married into good families and have professional careers ahead of you, you love the Lord and I’m proud that you all sing so good.”
I’m so proud of my mom. She has been through so much in her short life. She still has struggles today, but I’m so glad that I have had opportunities to be reconciled with my mom and have a close relationship with her. Not very many people get that opportunity. I am grateful that she is in recovery. I am thankful that God rescued her out of darkness and into His marvelous light. I am happy my mom’s alive.
