Hamburger Helper and Healing Hurts
Have you ever had a moment where a feeling of sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety seems like it's about to consume you? Have you ever been so heavily burdened to rid yourself of that feeling, but nothing seems to be working?
While grocery shopping for the week my teenage nephews stayed with me I grabbed a box of Hamburger Helper and wondered when the last time I had Hamburger Helper was. It would not be until I was cooking the Hamburger Helper a couple nights later that suddenly I would remember.
The weather outside was frigid. The house I was residing in was not technically my house but a rundown home I found myself in after a series of unfortunate events. I was parentless, showerless, and bordering on hopeless. The group in that house was a slew of ragtag orphans, drug users, or dealers. Cockroaches, who may as well have been called roommates, scuttled across the floors as the lot of us sat near the kitchen. My head itched routinely with the head lice that had lived there for a few years. There was a box heater in the corner providing limited warmth. The night was about as customary as ever, except there was a little bit more buzz in the air--someone had gotten their hands on ingredients for Hamburger Helper.
One of the older people in the group cooked the meal using a pan that was typically resourced to fill the broken bathtub with water. The smell pulled us in like a comet stuck in a planet's gravitation. All of us became compelled by our physical urges to satisfy and gratify the rumbling in our bellies that had become a dear friend. I was one of the smallest in the house, so I got a smaller portion and was the last to fill my bowl. I also didn't finish fast enough to get seconds. But, the minutes I spent eating the meat, noodles, and artificial cheese sauce were pure heaven. These thoughts permeated my brain as I cooked that meal for my nephews.
This memory of the hunger, excitement, poverty, desperation, and the bliss of eating Hamburger Helper did not bring me feelings of happiness or joy. My chest immediately felt heavy and tight. The idea of eating this meal brought a sense of dread. While I cognitively knew that I was not in that place, physically and emotionally it felt like I had gone back in time.
Tears welled to the brim of my eyes, my nose started stinging. Thoughts began zooming around my head, consuming my entire being. Survivor's guilt begged questions about what had happened to everyone else in the house and desperately grasped for a specific reason why I, out of everyone, was now living in a drastically different situation. Memories of the abuse that had brought me to that low point loomed ever so close and threatened to shatter me into a million pieces. Imposter syndrome painted the walls of my house in an unfamiliar and undeserving color. Fighting the urge to curl into a ball and lay on the floor, I pressed on and cooked the meal.
I spent the rest of the night weaving in and out of the present and the past. That's what I spent the next few days doing. The leftovers of the Hamburger Helper in my fridge taunted my fifteen-year-old self that was unable to eat seconds all those years ago. My shower the next morning felt too hot in comparison to the ice-cold baths I had to give myself once a week to maintain some semblance of personal hygiene. Rather than making me feel warm and safe I felt guilty for having a home with a shower. Every black spec I saw near me looked like a lice bug that had fallen off my head. I became a shell. For the next few days, I would not feel clean enough, safe enough, or whole enough.
For those that are unfamiliar with what this experience is, this is a triggered trauma response. From my experience, this response can last for minutes. Other times, like this time, it can last for days. While it might sound horrifying, it truly was an amazing experience for God's glorious nature to shine through, for myself to gain awareness of my triggers, and give me hope for the future.
I have had a few years of figuring out triggers and my trauma response now, but no matter how long or how short the response lasts, the initial impact is never lighter than before. I have yet to find a method that completely interrupts the response but I have found ways for the process to go more smoothly and naturally so that I come out a stronger person on the other side rather than breaking and becoming re-traumatized all over again.
I would love to share some of the coping mechanisms I have learned and developed throughout my years of counseling, healing, and pursuing abundance for those moments of all-consuming sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety. Before I list them, I want to be clear:
I am on the path of becoming a licensed therapist, I have been in therapy for a while, but I am not a licensed clinical therapist or psychologist. Everything I am listing is based on personal experience, but everyone's experience with trauma and restoration is different. This is not an end-all-be-all kind of post.
If you are experiencing daily and constant moments of debilitating sadness, guilt, anger, fear, or anxiety, please contact someone about in-office therapy or inpatient facilities. You should not handle or carry that alone, nor should you treat this post as the sole remedy to those things.
Now, when a flood of emotions threatens to overwhelm you, remember to give yourself GRACE.
Give yourself GRACE.
Give yourself grace.
Yes, it is itself the acronym and a part of the acronym. This one begs to be repeated and emphasized. In those moments that cause great emotional responses triggered by your nervous system, do not fight it. You actually can't. You also do not want to completely give yourself over to it and react from it, that’s what this post is for. Your nervous system bringing trauma to your attention and/or causing an influx of fierce feelings is an innate survival instinct. It is normal to have a response like this. Do not beat yourself up or feel like you have to start back at square one because of that occurrence.
Re-orient to the present.
Notice details on the flooring and describe specifics. Note the way your clothes lay against your skin. Observe the sound of the air conditioner as it pushes air through hollow metal. Focus on breathing, the rising and falling of your stomach (aka belly breathing), and the smells invading your nostrils. Fix your eyes on where you are here and now. This reminds you and your nervous system that you are safe and the preceived threat is not actually present.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Being able to put a name to what you're experiencing is crucial for not letting the response have complete control over you and letting the response process happen naturally. Click this link to find a list of ways to describe the feelings and emotions a trauma response might be causing within you. Don't be afraid to say out loud to yourself, "I am feeling fear, sadness, and guilt."
Converse with your trauma response.
This is one of the coolest coping mechanisms I received from therapy. During a session, my therapist will ask me to imagine how old that feeling feels, meaning what age does this feeling cause you to feel. Sometimes it's 5 or 12. In that instance, because of my specific memory, the age that came to mind was 15. Once I have a specific place to speak to, I have been taught to say things like, "I know you mean well and that you are trying to make sure that I am safe and well taken care of. I want to assure you that I am safe. I am okay. You do not need to protect me." What's happening is I am speaking with my nervous system, which is causing my trauma response. I am reminding my body that everything is okay even though it might not feel like it.
Engage with someone you love.
This has been the hardest yet most rewarding coping skill I have learned to date. It is so surreal, especially when I am stuck in moments of feeling so out of control, to ponder all of the amazing people I have in my life to reach out to. I can go hug my husband, FaceTime a family member, or text a prayer request to my sweet friends anytime. In seeking comfort from loved ones I feel like I am reminding myself that I am not a burden and I am not alone. I do not have to handle this by myself, which was something I used to have to do for a very long time. If you do not have anyone to immediately reach out to, feel free to reach out to me here.
This moment with the Hamburger Helper was not my finest. Once I was able to shake my initial terror I slowly began giving myself grace, and on the other side, I was able to come out in gratitude.
God has been so good to me. He not only rescued me from the clutches of generational poverty and addiction but the clutches of sin and Hell. He has not only brought me from great pain and sadness but He has brought me into an abundant life with more blessings than I know what to do with sometimes. Painful memories and a broken past can take us down a road of beating ourselves up and constantly feeling sorry for ourselves. Or, they can take us down a road of never taking a single thing for granted and always being thankful for the little things. Somedays it might even look like choosing both. Of course, being human and imperfect, sometimes I choose the former, but my prayer, hope, and goal is that I will choose the latter more and more. Feeling the hurt doesn’t mean we have to stay hurt.
Painful memories and a broken past can take us down a road of beating ourselves up and constantly feeling sorry for ourselves. Or, they can take us down a road of never taking a single thing for granted and always being thankful for the little things.
Something else this moment (and many others) taught me is healing from hurts sometimes… hurts. It’s not easy, simple, cut and dry, or glamorous. It’s complicated, messy, and uncomfortable. We have to unravel the very parts of us we tucked away to keep safe, but in reality, keeping that part locked up is what’s keeping us from growing. A part of healing from the hurt sometimes hinges upon letting ourselves actually feel the hurt. It’s not wether or not we feel the pain that determines our strength and resilience. It’s what we do when we feel it that counts. Feeling the hurt doesn’t mean we have to stay stuck in the hurt. Growth is possible. Healing is possible. Resilience is possible. If only we could learn how to handle ourselves in moments of struggle, strain, and stumbling.
Rather than sinking in a moment when a memory of a meal made me meander into mayhem, I choose to remember it as a day Hamburger Helper helped me handle my hurt and myself with grace.
I hope you can do the same for yourself.
If you or someone else you know is struggling with thoughts surrounding harming oneself or another person, seek help immediately. Call 988 (suicide crisis line) or 911 (a line to contact first responders).
