The Shadow Was Never You
This poem is the rawest poem I have ever written. In its first form, the poem described a long tunnel that seemed to be never-ending, its victim desperate for sunlight and choking on its need for fresh air. My thoughts were heavy. The load lightened when I shared what was going on and started taking medication. The poem took a different shape, and I was able to write about the beauty of motherhood. It took me five months to finish this poem. Penned during the depths of postpartum depression, this poem was one I would go back to often to remind me of the light at the end of the tunnel. As I worked on it and came closer to finishing it, the more hopeful I became. Something else that I clung to was prayer.
God, in His grace, put it on my heart to work on my prayer life about a year before pregnancy and postpartum. While I worked on praying for people and God’s will more, I also wrote a prayer for myself to say every morning and every night. This is that prayer:
"God, You are my Lord and I have nothing good besides You.
Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
I give thanks to You because You have answered me and You have become my salvation.
Teach me to Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me on level ground.”
This is the prayer that God used as an anchor for my heavy and weary soul. When I had no words or the words I wanted to say were too dark to utter, this prayer would flood my mouth and lips. My weakness, so prevalent in my body and soul, pushed me to be dependent on my God and my community. Even in the darkest of seasons, God will never abandon me or forsake me.
I hope this poem encourages you.
Trigger warning: postpartum depression, suicidal ideation
The shadow was the prolonged labor
The fifty hours of toil made me waver
I was tired before you could be savered
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was the excruciating pain
Recovery was a prolonged labor stain
Blotching all the comfort I hoped to gain
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was my breastfeeding journey
That ended a month in, too short for me
I felt like I denied you and I a mercy
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was the late night feedings
The sleep that my body was desperately needing
Those times I was crying, sobbing, pleading
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was my selfishness
That kept me and daddy from connectedness
A self made prison of defensiveness
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was post partum depression
My thoughts that became a poisoned possession
I wanted to be gone and prayed for your protection
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was the guilt I felt
No amount of help really helped
It made me aware of the bad cards you’d been dealt
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was the red-raged anger
It made my fists feel full of grandeur
Threatening to cause my soul to be fractured
But the shadow was never you
The shadow was the crippling fear
Perhaps you’d be better if I wasn’t near
Inspite of it all, it’s now become clear
The shadow was never you
The shadow blinded me from seeing you
The shadow darkened my point of view
The shadow was too hard for me to see through
But the shadow was never you
The shadow tried but couldn’t hide your little hands that clung to mine
The shadow thieved and although I grieved our hearts still became one, weaved
The shadow crumbled my heart as I stumbled, yet your cry tore through the rubble
I see, the shadow was never you
The shadow now is starting to fade
I’ve never known a more uncomfortable shade
No part of me is sad the darkness didn't stay
Since the shadow was never you
You are what pulled me through
The hope of your smile was what I pursued
Even in the darkness, I could hear you coo
Because the shadow was never you
The blessed light is beginning to shine
I feel your body embracing mine
We’re fitted together as God designed
Oh, the shadow was never you
Forgive me for coming close to giving in
The battle I fought and almost didn’t win
The victory cry I’ll shout to the heavens:
The shadow was never you
On the other side in the glow
The happiness, the joy, the love that grows
I hope you always know as I know
The shadow was never you
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
I will love you for all my days
A testament that PPD is hard, but it never stood a chance against the bond I formed with my son. PPD doesn't make you a bad mom, nor will it define the rest of your parenting journey.
Are you struggling with depression or anxiety?
Here is a list of counseling places in the Bartlesville/Tulsa area:
If you are having harmful ideation that seems to be controlling or overtaking,
inpatient services may be more appropriate:
